The Ultimate ‘I’m Sick of Lance Armstrong’ Poll Collection

The Ultimate ‘I’m Sick of Lance Armstrong’ Poll Collection

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Well, that was awkward. So, Betsy, how do you think the interview went? Judging



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Well, that was awkward.

So, Betsy, how do you think the interview went?

Judging by the texts, tweets, Facebook posts, and my own two eyes, Lance Armstrong didn’t exactly knock the house down with a confessional tell-all on #Doprah. Twitchy, nervous, and at times just plain weird, Armstrong refused to answer one of the most critical questions (did he tell doctors in a hospital room in Indiana that he took PEDs?), frequently used passive constructions, referred to himself as the royal we and leaned toward the third person as if it were someone else he was describing. It was a performance completely consistent with the notion of a calculating, ruthless competitor who desperately wants to return to sport.

Or not. Perhaps you saw it different. Well, there’s a poll for that. Fire away.

Oh, and I’ll send a $25 iTunes card to whoever writes the funniest caption to the above photo.

Congratulations to Aaron, whose comment made me laugh out loud: “People said I wouldn’t have the ball to come clean on doping. Well I do, and it’s this big.”

Steve Casimiro is the editor of Adventure Journal.
Showing 78 comments
  • Matt
    Reply

    Um… Excuse me Oprah,but are these cute sippy straws bpa free?

  • Kyle
    Reply

    “…Then the subject would put one of these three receptacles into their rectum. A painful process, fortunately it got easier over the years..”

  • Oliver
    Reply

    Before I started pro cycling my ego was this size.

  • MZUNGU
    Reply

    “Well, Oprah. I wouldn’t call it fat, it was more like…. lumpy.”

  • Cory
    Reply

    “Lance is, I mean……I am going to hand you this invisible crystal ball, but TRUST me. its real.”

  • Xxx
    Reply

    It made me even more sick, though i knew he must have taken serious drugs during career

  • John Tannock
    Reply

    “I had to have my nut removed, it was this big.”

  • outlan
    Reply

    “This is about how big my balls are.”

  • Geoff
    Reply

    Oprah, what I am about to tell you is shocking. I’ve done something that is very wrong. I’ve mislead and betrayed people. I… I am Lennay Kekua.

  • Trent
    Reply

    My left testicle grew to about this size, and that is when I probably should have stopped. But the label said inject directly into the sack!

  • Joe Jacobs
    Reply

    Three tits and one ball.

  • Cadu
    Reply

    “Start career in ultimate fighting.”

  • Scott
    Reply

    “Just to be clear, I didn’t just call you fat – you USED to be fat. But that’s different than me calling you fat right now. Anyway, back in the ’90’s, your coconuts were at least this big. I could have had you.”

  • mims
    Reply

    So , I will squeeze together the giant hairball i will now cough up, and you can take some of your hair and mold into a ball and then we will attach them to these straws and generate natural gas. I just solved the peak oil problem!

  • Dan
    Reply

    Hmm I still think that Lance is part of the reason road biking became so popular. He may be a liar but I am one of those crazies who still thinks he did some good

  • KT
    Reply

    Lance: “See…I still have my purple TDF trophy!”
    Oprah: “No you don’t.”
    Lance: “You’re a liar! Give me Dr. Phil!”

  • williamtombert
    Reply

    …then i took my testicle and ate it, providing myself with the ultimate victory over cancer; a victory that i would try to recreate in cycling. Every time i beat Jan i would fatten him up over the winter in preparation for eating him, just like i ate my testicle

  • Andrew Bisharat
    Reply

    When Armstrong described in vivid, murderous detail his recurring fantasy of ringing Frankie Andreu’s neck, Oprah knew her network was saved.

  • Loonfeather
    Reply

    The worst punishment the cycling culture could inflict on LA is to ignore him. Let’s not waste anymore bandwidth on him; instead, lets put the good guys in the limelight – real ambassadors for and competitors in the sport of cycling, like Ned and Tinker.

  • Dave
    Reply

    Oprah, clearly I’m a serial, incurable socioBIKEpath. Next question.

  • David in Wyoming
    Reply

    “I’m deeply flawed, but your breasts…….I can’t stop staring.”
    or
    “How many of my teammates did you say testified against me? [counts on fingers] 10…11″

  • RobiP
    Reply

    It dopends on what your definition of dope is…

  • joe
    Reply

    Armstong explains why he sued his interior decorator.

  • Matt
    Reply

    “You see, you put the lime in the coconut, and shake it all up…like this!”

  • Doug
    Reply

    …and then I told Manti Te’o how you spin a web of lies. It’s fun!

  • Mike Sande
    Reply

    So on about the 86th mile, my balls swelled up about THIS big… And that’s when I new the testosterone injections were working…

  • Jason
    Reply

    I agree with Loonfeather… Although, things are never as black and white as the media portrays it. As a culture we perseverate on our fallen heroes, but there are still an awful lot of good people in our chosen passions. That’s why most of us picked up a sport in the first place. We got inspired by someone and then found positive reinforcement from other participants. Whether it was a smile on the trail or a simple chat on a lift, it’s the everyday “weekend warriors” that make it enjoyable for me. I am bummed that Lance has turned out to be more sociopath than gritty hero, but it doesn’t make cycling any less enjoyable for me. Besides there will always be someone new to root for…

  • Dan
    Reply

    When I was a young man, before I sold out, my balls were this big…

  • Fred
    Reply

    Whenever Lance Armstrong was caught of guard by Oprah’s questions he would simply revert to doing “the robot”.

  • Peter
    Reply

    “So that’s when I realized, the only way to beat the cancer, was to become the cancer.”

  • Canuckinco
    Reply

    You see, when I had all these sponsors, my bank account was this big. Then when the sh!t hit the fan, it shrunk to this big. Your check makes it this big again, but I need it to be this big.

  • How2LanceABoil
    Reply

    Lance…..Lance?……LANCE!!! YOU SUCK!!!!!

  • Tim
    Reply

    “When you polish a turd, and I know this is going to shock some, you hold your hands like this.”

  • Patrick
    Reply

    Buy a mountain. Do it today!

  • Alan
    Reply

    Well Oprah, jumping on the chair like Tom Cruise seems a little unusual but if it will help my Q rating I am in.

  • c m
    Reply

    “The bike….. It was like being on a spaceship. I don’t know what to do with my hands… “

  • Craig Rowe
    Reply

    Again, Oprah, again, I tried to tell people, it wasn’t about the bike.

  • A-rod
    Reply

    hahahaha

  • Sarah
    Reply

    “Absolutely not. Ab-sol-utely not.” I am not a crook!

  • Monte
    Reply

    “…and after the third or fourth series of doses, and consequently a new saddle, the swelling in “lefty” got to be about… about the size of… sized like… damn, Oprah, now THOSE are huge.”

  • CupCake
    Reply

    I’m so fucking high right now…

  • Tony Fitzsimons
    Reply

    “I’m just spinning this tornado of bulsh*t trying to stay relevant”

  • Dave Bibbs
    Reply

    “No, Oprah, I wouldn’t say I’m completely full of sh*t. It’s more like this much.”

  • Andy
    Reply

    Just keep watching my hands…

  • jake
    Reply

    So, did you get the PDF of the PEDs I took while racing in the TOF? Really helped my PRs and my KOMs. Or the APB I put out to all my BFFs who ratted me out about using EPO? I thought I was G2G until someone ratted me out…WTF….

  • Chris
    Reply

    this is hilarious

  • tyrone.sweetlick
    Reply

    Lance is just going to keep looking at these hands so he can stay mesmerized. He’s no longer mesmerized with himself because there is a void in his soul. But staying mesmerized helps him stay on message. It also helps him mix the cocktail of success. Shake it with Lance, Oprah! Shake!

  • Aaron
    Reply

    “People said I wouldn’t have the ball to come clean on doping. Well I do, and it’s this big”.

  • Jerry
    Reply

    Don’t they make a lovely couple……..

  • Treesus
    Reply

    “After I used drugs to beat cancer, a bike race seemed like kid stuff. I sorta think that was wrong of me. Can u forgive me?”

  • Kevin
    Reply

    “So Ferrari would take the blood bag like this…..”

  • Dave
    Reply

    “I said I ‘Sharted’, Oprah. Its kind of a mix…well, hmmm how do I say this on TV?”

  • Lance Armstrong
    Reply

    I really hope all the negativity I’ve perpetuated towards doping doesn’t actually impact the sport. If cycling was clean, it would totally fucking suck.

  • Mike Krogh
    Reply

    “I’ll explain it this way, Oprah. Let’s pretend this empty space between my hands is my conscience.”

  • Charles Kelso
    Reply

    “The doctor said that, if I didn’t have it removed, the tumor could get about this big.”

  • Dave
    Reply

    “…and then I just said fuck it and started doing the robot…”

  • Nathan
    Reply

    So you see Oprah, what I’m telling you is true … from a certain point of view.

  • matt
    Reply

    “Those accusations made my blood boil Oprah, but luckily I had someone else’s in the fridge”

  • chucky
    Reply

    I call BULLSHIT on the 60.47% of you who claim you’d have “stayed clean” in the same situation. When your livelihood, and that of those who work with you and for you depend on remaining competitive, any intelligent person would reluctantly adopt the “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” ethos to even out the playing field.

    The fact remains that if not one participant in the TdF was on the juice, Lance would STILL have won – so as all his GC competitors were also on the juice, he STILL won ‘fairly’.

  • Cadu
    Reply

    KA.. MEE.. HAA..

  • Hayduke
    Reply

    What the hell is in that blue bottle on the table in back? And what’s in the little box? Who decorated this set, Nancy Reagan?!

  • Jim
    Reply

    uh…Loonfeather…who exactly ARE the “good guys”? Greg Lemond isn’t riding any more.

  • Jim
    Reply

    I CANNOT WAIT for the Bad Lip Reading take on this one.

  • Moore Cowbell
    Reply

    Making accusations go away was like a magic trick. I’d yell at people, intimidate them, threaten to sue them…then alakazam POOF….they were gone. Does that make me a d*$k? Maybe. But in the infamous words of Dave Chappelle “I’m rich biatch!”

  • Junky4snow
    Reply

    Oprah, I was also seeing Monte T’eo’s girlfriend on the side.

  • Eric Webber
    Reply

    I only had one testicle but it was, like, this big. So, yeah, the testosterone was working.

  • David D
    Reply

    yep

  • David D
    Reply

    Can we win special edition Live Strong Oakleys (long nose fit)?

  • Gilligan
    Reply

    “Now I likes to do just like the rest
    I likes my sugar sweet but guarding fumes and making haste
    It ain’t my cup of meat
    Everybody’s just standin round neath the trees, feedin pigeons on a limb
    But when Lance the Eskimo gets here them pigeons’ll go to him
    Oh come all without, come all within
    You’ll not see nothing like them mighty wins

    Now a cat’s meow, Erythropoietin, I could recite them all
    Just tell me where it hurts you, O, and I’ll tell you who to call
    Nobody can get any sleep, there’s someone on everybody’s toes
    But when Lance the Eskimo gets here everybody’s gonna dope
    Oh come all without, come all within
    You’ll not see nothing like them mighty wins.”
    -L.A. (with insincere apologies to Dylan)

  • Donna
    Reply

    so the doctors told me that they were going to have to remove one of my testicles….

  • Carl
    Reply

    “and I would have got away with it if it wasn’t for that damn state trooper, 57 in a 55 and I get pulled over, he searches my vehicle and then find my crystal meth in the boot. I mean there was no denying it the stuff was this big!

    I guess it all just snowballed from there really, they put the pieces together and realised if my feet where clipped in then there was every chance I was jacked up. I didn’t go down for the meth though, they understood that it was for personal use”

  • Peter Derrett
    Reply

    “Since I only had one it would have needed to be THIS big to produce the amount of testosterone I needed.”

  • Momo
    Reply

    EPO is a hell of a drug…

  • MissDouble F
    Reply

    All sponsors should abandon
    All Cancer charities should abandon
    All Sports affiliates should abandon
    Hell! Just stick him in the desert & abandon!

  • Matt
    Reply

    Watch me juggle my reputation!

  • D
    Reply

    Oprah my ball got this big when I had the cancer! In order to lie like I did you need to have balls that big.

  • Tim
    Reply

    Is that HGH in the green bottle?

  • Dave
    Reply

    Keith Richards on PEDs! Imagine the concerts and the guitar solos. That sh!t would be awesome.

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